


because i only liked a lot of things before i knew

by softlyfeather



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Struggling with Emotions, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28628448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyfeather/pseuds/softlyfeather
Summary: Cas attempts to name what he's feeling. Particularly... no, only around Dean.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 18
Kudos: 113





	because i only liked a lot of things before i knew

**Author's Note:**

> apparently this is what happens when you listen to omg by carly rae jepsen for three hours on repeat. the deancas just wants to bust out.

He had to be sick. That had to be it. Castiel felt the sensation in his chest ease slightly as Dean’s hand slid away from his shoulder, but the ache still sat there- like a stone tied to his heart. His vessel wasn’t unhealthy, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that it was infected with something. But doctors and medical services weren’t something he knew much about. It wasn’t as though it was something he’d ever had to think about before. He resolved to investigate the issue as soon as possible. He couldn’t have his vessel failing on the middle of a hunt and letting Sam and Dean down. 

Two days later, Dean was working on the impala in Bobby’s yard while Castiel watched from the porch. Bobby came up the steps, wiping oil off his hands with an old rag. “Could I ask you a question?”

Bobby looked surprised, but sat in the chair next to him. “Sure.”

“How does one go about seeing a doctor?”

“Are you sick?” Bobby’s brow furrowed in concern. 

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, where does it hurt?” Castiel touched the center of his chest. “What exactly does it feel like?”

Castiel thought for a moment. “Like I can’t breath. My heart beats faster and harder. Senses are heightened.”

“Hmm.” Bobby rubbed at his beard. “Could be a panic attack. Does it happen when you’re scared?”

Castiel tilted his head, “No.”

“Well, when does it happen?”

“On hunts sometimes, or in the bunker.”

“But not right now?”

Castiel looked out at Dean and felt the ache increase slightly. “Perhaps a bit.” 

Bobby followed his gaze. “Ahh…”

“What?”

“Does this feeling happen around Dean?”

“Almost exclusively.”

Bobby’s cheeks were slightly redder than before. “Do you think it could be caused by…” he seemed to be feeling very uncomfortable, “an emotion?”

“What sort of emotion would make me feel like this?”

Sighing, Bobby ran a hand over his face. “Hang on a sec.” He got up and went into the house. Castiel had almost thought he’d forgotten about their conversation when Bobby returned with a sheet of paper in his hand. “Here.”

Castiel took it and looked it over. It was a coloured wheel with different words going out into a more detailed starburst. The inner circle had terms like _happy, bad, sad, surprised, angry_ and each group then broke down into further categories. 

“It’s a feelings wheel,” Bobby spoke gruffly. “Guess humans aren’t the only ones who have trouble with them sometimes.”

“You do too?” Castiel asked, surprised.

Bobby shrugged. “It’s not always easy to figure out. Emotions can be so strong that it’s hard to see the individual pieces.” 

Castiel nodded. “Thank you, Bobby.”

Bobby waved it away. “Why don’t you see if Dean needs any help,” he smiled to himself. Castiel was not sure why Bobby would suggest this since he knew Castiel clearly knew less about cars than Dean. 

Later that night in the bunker, Castiel was pouring over the wheel. It wasn’t entirely helpful considering none of the feelings said how they **felt**. They were just words. Angels weren’t supposed to feel emotions the same way as humans. Vague feelings like satisfaction at a job well done, or loyalty, wanting to obey… but nothing like this. And he’d never heard any of his brothers or sisters speak of such things. He’d even been in vessels before and not experienced this so clearly it wasn’t tied to this body. It was him. Which was… different. 

Even though he didn’t understand what the words should feel like, he felt like he could at least narrow it down. He knew that the feeling wasn’t bad, sad, or angry. Happy and surprised seemed closer. He pulled Sam’s laptop over across the table and pulled up the browser that they’d told him he could type questions into. _Happy feelings_ , he typed carefully before hitting enter. A list appeared. 

  * Contentment
  * Joy
  * Pride
  * Love



He ran the cursor down the list and stopped at love. Something tugged at his mind. Was this it? 

“What you researching, Cas?” Castiel looked up to see Sam had entered the kitchen without him hearing. He had a glass of milk in his hand and was leaning against the counter.

“What does love feel like?” Castiel asked.

Sam froze with the glass to his lips, his eyes wide. He lowered the glass slowly. “Um… why do you ask?” 

“I am curious.”

Sam took a breath, “Ok.” He sat across from Castiel at the table, fingers tapping against his glass in thought. “You know about Jess right?”

Castiel nodded. “Azazel took her.”

Sam’s mouth tightened. “Ya. Well, I was ready to marry her. I wanted to spend my life with her.”

“So… love is wanting to spend time with someone?”

Sam tilted his head back and forth, “Partly. It’s someone you trust, no matter what. Someone you can tell anything. You know that they’ll never leave you.”

“Trust, and loyalty?”

“Mhmm. But keep in mind, love isn’t the same for everyone. Everyone experiences it differently.”

Castiel frowned, “So these might not even be right?”

Sam grinned, “The general idea is the same but everyone has different pasts and experiences that colour how they feel.” 

Groaning, Castiel covered his face in his hands. This was much harder than he was anticipating. 

“It’s always best to talk about it with the person you have feelings for.” Castiel peeked between his fingers to see Sam giving him a pointed look. 

Castiel sighed. “Very well.”

It was two weeks before Castiel felt that there was a proper moment to bring this up. They had just finished a hunt. Sam had left to do more research on their next case and Dean had decided they needed to rest for the night. The motel only had one room left and it was a single queen size. Neither of them minded, as they’d had to share before, since Sam liked to “sprawl like a hibernating bear” as Dean had said. 

They’d laid down a while ago, Dean on his side, facing the windows. Castiel stared at the ceiling listening to Dean breathe. His breathing wasn’t deep enough for sleep yet, so he must still be awake. “Dean?”

“Ya?” He was pleased to hear Dean’s voice sounding clear and not sleepy.

“What does love feel like?”

There was a long silence. Castiel worried that Dean might not want to talk about this. He rarely did speak about feelings, always calling Sam “the feelings guy”. But surely he experiencing feelings just as all humans did? Finally Dean spoke, “I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask that, Cas.”

“Why not?”

Dean sighed and rolled onto his back, facing the ceiling, his elbow brushing Castiel’s under the blankets. “Not sure that I’ve really gotten to feel it much before. Everyone I love ends up leaving.” His voice got softer near the end. 

Castiel remembered his conversation with Sam. “Love means never leaving.”

Dean hummed. “Not necessarily.” Castiel turned to look at him. “It means always coming back.” 

Castiel thought for a moment. “You love Sam?”

“Ya, of course. He’s my brother.” 

“And Sam loved Jess.”

“Ya, but that’s different.”

Castiel frowned. “Different how?”

“There are different kinds of love.”

“You don’t love Sam how Sam loved Jess?”

Dean laughed loudly, startling Castiel. “God no. I don’t want to fuck my brother.” Dean turned to look at him with a grin on his face. It faded slightly faced with Castiel’s confusion. “Ah… ok.” He rolled onto his side so that he was facing Castiel and Castiel mirrored him. “So there’s different types of attraction. Sexual, romantic, emotional, aesthetic…” He counted them off on his fingers. 

Castiel chewed on his lip, “What do those have to do with love?”

“Well, love is made up of different types of attraction. So, I have an emotional connection with Sam, since he’s my brother, and that’s why I love him.”

“But Sam and Jess were different?”

Dean laughed again but softly, with a bit of sadness. “Ya. We never talked about it much. But, I imagine that he would’ve felt all the types of attraction for Jess.”

“So, if you feel all the types, that’s when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?”

Dean’s cheeks darkened slightly. “Ideally.”

“Can you describe the types?” 

Dean blew out a breath, “Oh man. You sure you wouldn’t rather just research this on your own?”

Castiel shook his head firmly. 

Running a hand over his face, Dean reminded Castiel of Bobby. “Ok. So… let’s start with emotional. Sam’s my brother. But I guess someone could be your brother and you may have never met… so, because we grew up together, and had shared experiences, we have that common past to draw on. He knows me better than anyone probably. So I mean, he’s not just my brother, he’s my best friend. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes, I know he’s got my back.” 

Castiel nodded. “We’re friends too?”

Dean scoffed, “Of course, Cas. You’re my best friend too. You should know that by now.” 

Smiling softly, Castiel felt his toes curl. He knew. But it was nice to hear it too. 

“Ok, aesthetic attraction is easy. It’s when you find someone pretty or handsome.”

“Like a sunset?”

Dean lips quirked, “Ya, like a sunset.”

“Am I pretty?”

Dean stared at him, pupils wide in the dark, his cheeks turning pink again. “Ya, Cas. You’re pretty.”

“And romantic?”

Dean coughed. “Uh, romantic attraction. It’s…” He thought for a moment. “It’s when you want to spend time with the person and be in a relationship. Maybe get married, have kids, that kinda thing.”

Castiel nodded. “Sexual?”

Dean coughed again, harder this time. “Surely that one is pretty self explanatory?” 

“I want to make sure I understand fully.”

Dean covered his face with his hand and sighed. Castiel still didn’t understand why humans were so embarrassed by such things. “Ok. Well it might start out with wanting to hold someone’s hand. Or hug them. Kiss them… touch them… everywhere, anywhere. You want them close, always.”

“And it would hurt to be apart?”

“Usually.”

Castiel felt his breath catch. “Where?”

“Where what?”

“Where would it hurt?”

Dean looked at him confused, then rubbed his chest. “In here, I guess.”

Castiel breathed out. Understanding finally dawning on him. “Dean, I think I might love you.”

Dean froze. His eyes wide and he didn’t seem to be breathing. “Oh.” Castiel wasn’t sure if this was a typical response. “I thought this was theoretical.” 

Castiel didn’t understand what Dean was trying to say. “In some senses, it was.”

“I thought angels didn’t have feelings. That’s what Anna said.”

“Typically no.”

“But…” he paused, “But you do?”

“It seems so.”

“Huh.” Dean blinked. “I’m going to go to sleep now.”

“Okay.” 

Dean rolled over and Castiel watched his back moving and down steadily with his breath. He was pleased to have figured out what he was feeling. But wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do about it now. 

***

It was all Dean could think about. When he was driving, eating, showering- it didn’t matter. Anna had said angels couldn’t feel. So Cas had to be mistaken. 

He was picking up a part from Bobby’s the following week when Bobby invited him in to look at some materials related to their current case. 

“So, where’s that angel of yours?”

“He’s not mine,” Dean grumbled. 

“Could’ve fooled me. Have you two talked yet?”

Dean’s head snapped up, “About what?”

“He mentioned he thought he was sick.”

“He’s sick?” Dean felt an acidic flare of worry. 

“Lovesick maybe.” Bobby raised a brow with a smile. Dean felt his face burning. He was sure he looked like a tomato. 

“I gotta go. Bye Bobby.”

“Son, wait.” Bobby grabbed his arm as he was halfway out the door. Dean turned back and waited. “Cas is a good man. Don’t let anything certain people may have said,” Bobby gave him a pointed look and Dean knew he was talking about John, “mess things up for you. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. Hell, you deserve it more.” He patted Dean’s shoulder.

Dean felt the tension in his chest ease. “Thanks, Bobby.”

Stabbing at his spaghetti, Dean was doing more thinking than eating. He couldn’t believe Cas had talked to Bobby about how he was feeling. But if he’d thought he was sick… surely that meant that he was actually feeling something? That it wasn’t all in his head. Cas was actually feeling something. Something strong enough that he thought he was sick and wanted advice about it. 

The bunker door slammed and jolted him out of his thoughts. Sam came around the corner and waved. Dean waved his fork back. 

“Did Cas talk to you?”

Dean groaned. “Did he talk to **everyone**?”

Sam laughed and sat at the table with his own helping of spaghetti. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Dean grumbled to himself. “Went that well, huh?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

There was silence and when Dean looked up Sam was glaring at him. “Big surprise.”

“What?”

“Mister I-never-talk-about-my-feelings.”

Dean frowned. “I do when I have to.”

Sam laughed mirthlessly. “Of course. But you make sure that’s basically never. You know that’s really unhealthy right?”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Oh ya?” Sam spread his hands wide. 

“You’re the one who never wanted to talk about Jess.”

Sam’s lips thinned and he breathed out hard. But after a moment the tension flowed out of his body. “Fair enough.” He rubbed at his face with his hands. “It was too hard to talk about it right after it happened. And then… it was just easier to not bring it up.” 

Dean’s feet moved anxiously, he wanted to leave. Sam glanced up at him as if he knew, “Nuh-uh. Nope, we’re talking about this now.” 

Dean sighed and gestured for Sam to continue. “Jess was… she was awesome. She was everything that before wasn’t. She was stable, and safe. I couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough that she picked me.” Sam smiled sadly. “I could be having the shittiest day, but even just hearing her voice, or seeing her, made it like it didn’t matter. She was smart, sweet, and I really wish you could’ve known her better. I wish we’d had that chance.”

“Fuck Azazel.” 

The sharpness in Dean’s voice made Sam look up. “Ya. But we got him, Dean.” 

The silence between them felt easier now. Sam scraped at his plate. “So… what’s holding you back?”

Dean tensed automatically before forcing himself to calm. “Anna said angels can’t feel.”

“Mm.” Sam thought for a moment. “Well that can’t be true. Or at least, not for all of them.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

Sam smiled, “Oh come on.”

“What?”

Sam paused, “You seriously- wow ok. You’ve never noticed how worried Cas gets when you’re hurt? How happy he is to see you? He sure cares more about you than he does me.”

“That’s not true.” Dean argued. Cas cared about both of them.

“It’s different with you. He looks at you like… I don’t even know how to describe it. He like… gazes at you, man. You seriously haven’t noticed?”

Dean looked down at his plate. He’d noticed. But he was always too busy staring back to notice if it ever happened with anyone else. He figured Cas just stared at everything he was trying to figure out. 

Sam took his plate, “You’re done right?” 

“Ya.” Dean didn’t really feel hungry right now. 

Sam took the dishes to the sink and started cleaning them off. “So, how do you feel?”

Dean pressed his palms into his eyes. “I dunno, Sammy.”

“Well, you just have to figure that one out yourself,” Sam sounded like he was smiling. 

“I’m gonna go for a drive.”

Nothing ever helped clear Dean’s mind like soaring down the highway in his baby. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the song playing. It was some pop song that Cas had liked so he’d added it to this mix. Not to his usual taste but it wasn’t half bad. 

The sky stretched out over the blacktop and was flared with colours. The setting sun catching all the cloud edges and painting them with golds, pinks, and vibrant reds. Cas would like this. The thought stuck at him. Like a burr caught in flannel. He teased at it. How did he feel?

Maybe he could figure this out the same way Cas did. Ok… emotional. Yes. Cas was his best friend. It seemed like they didn’t even need to talk sometimes. He could tell everything just by looking at him. 

Aesthetic. Obviously. Even though Cas’s clothes screamed tax accountant, it was oddly endearing. He had a strong jaw and such blue eyes. With all of Cas’s staring, Dean had had ample time to memorize them. Where there were flecks of grey and where they deepened at the edges, like the ocean. 

Romantic… he thought back to the definition he’d given Cas. He did enjoy spending time with Cas. And when he was gone… he shuddered, pulling his thoughts away from that path. Did he want a relationship with Cas? It wasn’t something he’d ever considered before but the thought of it sent warm tingles all over. Ok, so yes to that. 

And… sexual. Dean took a breath. Was he really about to think about his best friend like that? Yes, he was. He imagined what it might be like to touch Cas. And not like he did when everyone was around. Not just a hug, or a pat on the shoulder. He imagined pulling him close and kissing him soundly. At the stirrings he felt in his lap he adjusted his legs. So… yes then. 

**… well shit.**

It wasn’t even three days later that they found themselves sharing a bed again after another case. Dean knew that now was as good a time as any. He rolled over to face Cas. Cas was still awake and turned towards him. They just stared at each other for a moment. 

“Yes, Dean?”

Dean took a shaky breath. “You remember what we talked about… last time.”

“Of course.”

Dean closed his eyes. Looking at Cas felt like too much right now. “I’m… I’m scared you’ll leave.”

“I’m right here, Dean,” Cas sounded confused. 

Dean opened his eyes. “Not now. Just… in the future.”

Cas looked at him carefully for a long moment before reaching out and taking Dean’s hand from where it had been resting between them. He held it tightly. “If I leave,” his eyes were very serious, “I will always come back.” 

Dean felt all the anxiety that had been sitting in his chest release and he choked out something between a laugh and a sob. He brought his other hand to Cas’s cheek and relished the feeling of Cas leaning into his touch. Leaning in, he brushed their noses together, staring into Cas’s eyes the entire time. His blue eyes shining with wonder at him. Him. Dean had never felt worthy of love. And here was a goddamn angel staring at him, his gaze full of emotion. Full of love. He felt like his chest would burst. Their lips met and Dean sighed into the sensation. Cas let out a needy whine and he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. Dean couldn’t help it, he laughed into the kiss. Just so damn happy. 

“What is it?” Cas asked.  
  
Dean stroked his cheek. “I think I might love you too.”


End file.
